Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe.
amzanig huh?
Saturday, 31 March 2007
Woodcutter Story
A woodcutter was cutting the branch off a tree when his axe fell into the river below. When he cried out an angel appeared and asked:
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed it to make his living.The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked."No," the woodcutter replied.
The angel went down again and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied "No."
The angel went down again and came up with an iron axe."
Is this your axe?" the angel asked."Yes," the woodcutter answered.
The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him:
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!" the woodcutter replied.
So the angel went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the angel asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The angel was furious. "That is an untruth! You lied!
"The woodcutter replied: "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.
"The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed it to make his living.The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked."No," the woodcutter replied.
The angel went down again and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied "No."
The angel went down again and came up with an iron axe."
Is this your axe?" the angel asked."Yes," the woodcutter answered.
The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him:
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!" the woodcutter replied.
So the angel went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the angel asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The angel was furious. "That is an untruth! You lied!
"The woodcutter replied: "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.
"The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
What we wouldn't know without television ...
A list of things you would never know if it weren't for television.
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
7. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
10. People on TV never finish their drinks.
11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
14. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no one else.
30. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer to speak English to each other.
32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
33. There's always a chainsaw around when you need one.
34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing devices that have large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
7. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
10. People on TV never finish their drinks.
11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
14. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no one else.
30. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer to speak English to each other.
32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
33. There's always a chainsaw around when you need one.
34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing devices that have large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
These are Peter Kays' universal truths!!!!
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when yourpint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into acalculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have afire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. >
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call yourteacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at thefirst given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half waythrough and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've gotyour hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had theirarm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on anupturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of woodspecifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in afruit salad.
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when yourpint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into acalculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have afire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. >
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call yourteacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at thefirst given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half waythrough and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've gotyour hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had theirarm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on anupturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of woodspecifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in afruit salad.
Thoughts ... (2)
1. Can you cry under water?
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just chunkydunk."
3. How important does a person have to be before they are consideredassassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a penny foryourthoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binocularsto look at things on the ground?
13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
15. If I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing, consider this... If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, would I havesigned up in the first place?
16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
18. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started withsomething called labour!
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just chunkydunk."
3. How important does a person have to be before they are consideredassassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a penny foryourthoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binocularsto look at things on the ground?
13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
15. If I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing, consider this... If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, would I havesigned up in the first place?
16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
18. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started withsomething called labour!
Thoughts ... (1)
1.Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2.Why is it that, no matter what color of bubble bath you use, thebubbles are always white?
3.Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopesthat something new to eat will have materialized?
4.Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with theirvacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then putit down to give their vacuum one more chance?
5.How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
6.When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with ashopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its allright'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, youstupid idiot'?
7.In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was insummer when we complained about the heat?
8.Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
9.Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
10.Why is it that inside every older person is a younger personwondering what the heck happened?
11.Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain'and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get thesniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to bebedridden for weeks?
12.Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
13.If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it likeyour wife told you to?
2.Why is it that, no matter what color of bubble bath you use, thebubbles are always white?
3.Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopesthat something new to eat will have materialized?
4.Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with theirvacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then putit down to give their vacuum one more chance?
5.How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
6.When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with ashopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its allright'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, youstupid idiot'?
7.In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was insummer when we complained about the heat?
8.Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
9.Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
10.Why is it that inside every older person is a younger personwondering what the heck happened?
11.Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain'and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get thesniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to bebedridden for weeks?
12.Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
13.If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it likeyour wife told you to?
Requirements of The Management
DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
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