Funny Things

FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill,a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for
the
time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas
used
up
during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle
and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on
the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry,but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown
his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week
to
do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd
always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
middle
of
our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth
Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made
to
their passengers...

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let
you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that
last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad
news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for
the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street
is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to
a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."


"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold
the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into
the doors."


"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed
on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".