Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe.
amzanig huh?
Saturday, 31 March 2007
Woodcutter Story
A woodcutter was cutting the branch off a tree when his axe fell into the river below. When he cried out an angel appeared and asked:
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed it to make his living.The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked."No," the woodcutter replied.
The angel went down again and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied "No."
The angel went down again and came up with an iron axe."
Is this your axe?" the angel asked."Yes," the woodcutter answered.
The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him:
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!" the woodcutter replied.
So the angel went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the angel asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The angel was furious. "That is an untruth! You lied!
"The woodcutter replied: "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.
"The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed it to make his living.The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked."No," the woodcutter replied.
The angel went down again and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied "No."
The angel went down again and came up with an iron axe."
Is this your axe?" the angel asked."Yes," the woodcutter answered.
The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him:
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!" the woodcutter replied.
So the angel went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the angel asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The angel was furious. "That is an untruth! You lied!
"The woodcutter replied: "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.
"The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
What we wouldn't know without television ...
A list of things you would never know if it weren't for television.
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
7. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
10. People on TV never finish their drinks.
11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
14. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no one else.
30. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer to speak English to each other.
32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
33. There's always a chainsaw around when you need one.
34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing devices that have large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
7. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
10. People on TV never finish their drinks.
11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
14. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no one else.
30. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer to speak English to each other.
32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
33. There's always a chainsaw around when you need one.
34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing devices that have large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
These are Peter Kays' universal truths!!!!
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when yourpint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into acalculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have afire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. >
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call yourteacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at thefirst given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half waythrough and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've gotyour hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had theirarm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on anupturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of woodspecifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in afruit salad.
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when yourpint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into acalculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have afire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. >
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call yourteacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at thefirst given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half waythrough and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've gotyour hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had theirarm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on anupturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of woodspecifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in afruit salad.
Thoughts ... (2)
1. Can you cry under water?
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just chunkydunk."
3. How important does a person have to be before they are consideredassassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a penny foryourthoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binocularsto look at things on the ground?
13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
15. If I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing, consider this... If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, would I havesigned up in the first place?
16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
18. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started withsomething called labour!
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just chunkydunk."
3. How important does a person have to be before they are consideredassassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a penny foryourthoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binocularsto look at things on the ground?
13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
15. If I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing, consider this... If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, would I havesigned up in the first place?
16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
18. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started withsomething called labour!
Thoughts ... (1)
1.Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2.Why is it that, no matter what color of bubble bath you use, thebubbles are always white?
3.Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopesthat something new to eat will have materialized?
4.Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with theirvacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then putit down to give their vacuum one more chance?
5.How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
6.When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with ashopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its allright'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, youstupid idiot'?
7.In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was insummer when we complained about the heat?
8.Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
9.Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
10.Why is it that inside every older person is a younger personwondering what the heck happened?
11.Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain'and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get thesniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to bebedridden for weeks?
12.Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
13.If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it likeyour wife told you to?
2.Why is it that, no matter what color of bubble bath you use, thebubbles are always white?
3.Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopesthat something new to eat will have materialized?
4.Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with theirvacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then putit down to give their vacuum one more chance?
5.How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
6.When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with ashopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its allright'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, youstupid idiot'?
7.In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was insummer when we complained about the heat?
8.Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
9.Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
10.Why is it that inside every older person is a younger personwondering what the heck happened?
11.Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain'and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get thesniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to bebedridden for weeks?
12.Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
13.If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it likeyour wife told you to?
Requirements of The Management
DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
Who's the Father?
Finally, Paul Gallagher has just sent these allegedly true answers to
Child Support Agency questionnaires asking for details of a child's paternity:
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A wasfathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of thefather of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the samenight.
2. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She wasconceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
3. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
4. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ rose again.
5. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
6. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
7. [Name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.
Child Support Agency questionnaires asking for details of a child's paternity:
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A wasfathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of thefather of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the samenight.
2. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She wasconceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
3. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
4. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ rose again.
5. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
6. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
7. [Name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.
You grew up in the eighties if ...
You grew up in the eighties if......
* You watched the Pound Puppies.
* You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair"
* Two words: M.C. Hammer (cant touch this)
* If you ever watched " Fraggle Rock "
* You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. (as well as spikes in
the wheels so they made that sound - spokey dokeys!?)
* When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch
cartoons.
* You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big
screen.
* You wanted to be a Goonie.
* You ever wore fluorescent clothing
* You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose
fell off
* You remember the CRAZE and then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
* You still get the urge to say " NOT " after every sentence.
* You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
* You thought She-ra and He-Man should hook up.
* You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you
exchanged friendship bracelets
* After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you
are,but what am I?"
* You remember going to the skating rink before there were in-line
skates
* You had a serious injury from Slip-n-Slide
* You have ever played with a Skip-It.
* You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds
* You ' ve gone through this list occasionally saying This wasn't from
the 80's
* "Don't worry, be happy"
* You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
* You remember watching both " Gremlins " movies.
* You know what it meant to say " Care Bear Stare!! "
* You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac
* You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
* You know all the words to and who sung SHOT THRU THE HEART and
YOU'RE TOO VAIN YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME!!And more for girls...* You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
* You owned Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.* You wore a ponytail on the side of your head* You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
* L.A. Gear...
* You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony
* You wanted to change your name to " JEM " and have flashing
earrings.
* Barbie and the Rockers was your favourite band.
* You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top
Reeboks.
* You wore socks scrunched down.
* You watched the Pound Puppies.
* You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair"
* Two words: M.C. Hammer (cant touch this)
* If you ever watched " Fraggle Rock "
* You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. (as well as spikes in
the wheels so they made that sound - spokey dokeys!?)
* When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch
cartoons.
* You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big
screen.
* You wanted to be a Goonie.
* You ever wore fluorescent clothing
* You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose
fell off
* You remember the CRAZE and then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
* You still get the urge to say " NOT " after every sentence.
* You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
* You thought She-ra and He-Man should hook up.
* You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you
exchanged friendship bracelets
* After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you
are,but what am I?"
* You remember going to the skating rink before there were in-line
skates
* You had a serious injury from Slip-n-Slide
* You have ever played with a Skip-It.
* You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds
* You ' ve gone through this list occasionally saying This wasn't from
the 80's
* "Don't worry, be happy"
* You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
* You remember watching both " Gremlins " movies.
* You know what it meant to say " Care Bear Stare!! "
* You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac
* You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
* You know all the words to and who sung SHOT THRU THE HEART and
YOU'RE TOO VAIN YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME!!And more for girls...* You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
* You owned Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.* You wore a ponytail on the side of your head* You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
* L.A. Gear...
* You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony
* You wanted to change your name to " JEM " and have flashing
earrings.
* Barbie and the Rockers was your favourite band.
* You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top
Reeboks.
* You wore socks scrunched down.
Against all odds we survived
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
Were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably
shouldn't have survived, because...
1. Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based
paint that was promptly chewed and licked.
2. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on
doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
3. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
4. We would as children ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags
- riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
5. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.
6. We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank
fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because
we were always outside playing.
7. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no one actually died from this.
8. We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went
top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
9. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.
10. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and
no one minded.
11. We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.
No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no
mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.
12. We had friends we went outside and found them.
13. We played elastics and street rounders and sometimes that ball
really hurt.
14.We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there
were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same
thing again.
15. We had fights, punched each other hard, and got black and blue
we learned to ''get over it''.
16. We walked to friend's homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to
school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which
was just round the corner.
17. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff,
And although we were told it would happen, we did not have very
many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
18. We rode bikes in packs of seven and wore our coats by only the
hood.
19. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
20. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
21. This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever.
22. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new
ideas. We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility, and
we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own
good.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening...and it might put a
smile on your face.
The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983...
They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children,
and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or
Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one
Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them, John Travolta has always been round in shape and they
can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just
new films out last year.
They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old Skool song.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They've never heard of Pac-Man or Space Invaders or BBC computers
that have Bat n Ball games.
They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever.
They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or
the Famous Five.
They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and
don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house
without a mobile phone.
Were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably
shouldn't have survived, because...
1. Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based
paint that was promptly chewed and licked.
2. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on
doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
3. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
4. We would as children ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags
- riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
5. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.
6. We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank
fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because
we were always outside playing.
7. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no one actually died from this.
8. We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went
top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
9. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.
10. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and
no one minded.
11. We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.
No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no
mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.
12. We had friends we went outside and found them.
13. We played elastics and street rounders and sometimes that ball
really hurt.
14.We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there
were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same
thing again.
15. We had fights, punched each other hard, and got black and blue
we learned to ''get over it''.
16. We walked to friend's homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to
school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which
was just round the corner.
17. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff,
And although we were told it would happen, we did not have very
many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
18. We rode bikes in packs of seven and wore our coats by only the
hood.
19. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
20. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
21. This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever.
22. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new
ideas. We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility, and
we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own
good.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening...and it might put a
smile on your face.
The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983...
They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children,
and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or
Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one
Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them, John Travolta has always been round in shape and they
can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just
new films out last year.
They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old Skool song.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They've never heard of Pac-Man or Space Invaders or BBC computers
that have Bat n Ball games.
They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever.
They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or
the Famous Five.
They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and
don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house
without a mobile phone.
Rules of life
Rules of Life:
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one that you haven't tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you've figured out how to make ends meet, the ends move.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
26. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one that you haven't tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you've figured out how to make ends meet, the ends move.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
26. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
Royce Royce Factory
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (True story)
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this...
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chickens."
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this...
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chickens."
Rocks: A meaning for life
Rocks: a meaning for life.
A philosophy professor stood before his class with various items on a table in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up the remaining space.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, and if only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there would be no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to mow the lawn, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then ...One student, who had been sipping a can of beer, took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and poured his beer into it. The beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Which proves: No matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.
A philosophy professor stood before his class with various items on a table in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up the remaining space.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, and if only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there would be no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to mow the lawn, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then ...One student, who had been sipping a can of beer, took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and poured his beer into it. The beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Which proves: No matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.
Questions??!
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "upover"?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for anaddress, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, anddishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and wheredo they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for IDthat he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.Washington's picture is on a quarter]
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypotheticalsituations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hearhis Walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all herfriends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf peoplewear earmuffs?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whaleslook the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go withsushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parkinglots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic calledrush hour?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "upover"?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for anaddress, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, anddishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and wheredo they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for IDthat he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.Washington's picture is on a quarter]
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypotheticalsituations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hearhis Walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all herfriends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf peoplewear earmuffs?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whaleslook the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go withsushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parkinglots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic calledrush hour?
Pig!/Witch!
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back,
“WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back,
“WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
Philosophy of Charles Schultz
Philosophy of Charles Schultz
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator
of the "Peanuts" comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are
forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name three people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of three people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones
with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator
of the "Peanuts" comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are
forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name three people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of three people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones
with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
Wanna's Parrot
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she hadto go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill onthe counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worryabout my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT,under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, hediscovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watchingthe repairman go about his work.The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessantyelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill onthe counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worryabout my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT,under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, hediscovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watchingthe repairman go about his work.The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessantyelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Wednesday, 28 March 2007
Facebook Friend Map
It is interesting to see who knows who in a mindmap style of who knows who click on the name to see who they know - interesting stuff!!
Ode to Britian
Be very proud to be British because...
Only in Britain... can you get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while people can buy Cigarettes at the front of the shop.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
AND FINALLY....
In 2000, eight Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA !!
Oh what joy to be British !
Only in Britain... can you get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while people can buy Cigarettes at the front of the shop.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
AND FINALLY....
In 2000, eight Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA !!
Oh what joy to be British !
New Wing at the Hospital
Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it..
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of
nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The paediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The allergists voted to scratch it..
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of
nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The paediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Mobile Phonecall at Changing Room
Finally, Bill Mitchell emails from Edmonton, Alberta, with news of a scene in the locker room at his golf club. A cell phone rings on a bench. A man, fresh out of the shower, engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room continues changing their clothes and drying themselves, but the conversation has died to a whisper as they listen in.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Webforum - Lightbulb?
How many........
forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?..................
1 to change the light bulb
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum,
and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting
questions about light bulbs"
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and start it all over again
forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?..................
1 to change the light bulb
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum,
and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting
questions about light bulbs"
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and start it all over again
Lessons of Language
FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF)
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
King Arthur's Story
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals so he offered him freedom as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer, and, if, after a year he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: "What do women really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query, but since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.
Finally,having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thusly: "What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a
wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The
most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded
Arthur asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she's appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?
Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story - If your woman doesn't get her
own way,things are going to get ugly!
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals so he offered him freedom as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer, and, if, after a year he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: "What do women really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query, but since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.
Finally,having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thusly: "What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a
wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The
most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded
Arthur asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she's appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?
Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story - If your woman doesn't get her
own way,things are going to get ugly!
When Microsoft Don't Employ You
An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft, as a
An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft, as a
janitor. The manager there arranged for him to take an aptitude test.
After the test, the manager said, 'You will be employed as a janitor
at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour.
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to
complete to tell you where to report for work on your first day.'
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-
mail address. To this the MS manager replies, 'Well, then, that means
that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be
employed by Microsoft.'
Stunned, the man left. Not knowing where to turn and having only
$10.00 in his wallet, he bought a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the
supermarket and, in less than two hours, he sold all the tomatoes,
individually, at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ended with
almost $100, before going to sleep that night. Thus it dawned on him
that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplied his
profits quickly. After a short time he acquired a cart to transport
several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in so that
he could buy a pickup truck, to support his expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he was the owner of a fleet of pickup
trucks and was managing a staff of a hundred former unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decided to buy
some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picked
an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the
telephone conversation, the adviser asked him for his e-mail address
in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replied that he had no e-mail, the adviser was stunned.
'What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass
such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine
where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet
from the very start!'
'Well,' replied the tomato millionaire, 'I would be a janitor at
Microsoft!'
By definition, a fable must have a moral. This one has four:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a
millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to
becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken
to the cleaners by Microsoft.
An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft, as a
janitor. The manager there arranged for him to take an aptitude test.
After the test, the manager said, 'You will be employed as a janitor
at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour.
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to
complete to tell you where to report for work on your first day.'
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-
mail address. To this the MS manager replies, 'Well, then, that means
that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be
employed by Microsoft.'
Stunned, the man left. Not knowing where to turn and having only
$10.00 in his wallet, he bought a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the
supermarket and, in less than two hours, he sold all the tomatoes,
individually, at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ended with
almost $100, before going to sleep that night. Thus it dawned on him
that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplied his
profits quickly. After a short time he acquired a cart to transport
several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in so that
he could buy a pickup truck, to support his expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he was the owner of a fleet of pickup
trucks and was managing a staff of a hundred former unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decided to buy
some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picked
an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the
telephone conversation, the adviser asked him for his e-mail address
in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replied that he had no e-mail, the adviser was stunned.
'What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass
such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine
where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet
from the very start!'
'Well,' replied the tomato millionaire, 'I would be a janitor at
Microsoft!'
By definition, a fable must have a moral. This one has four:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a
millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to
becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken
to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Husband Store
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose
a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the
men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love
kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not
having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So
up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I
wonder what's further up?"
Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are
extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow,"
said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying
jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework
and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just
think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists
only to prove that women are flipping impossible to please. The exit
is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the
men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love
kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not
having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So
up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I
wonder what's further up?"
Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are
extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow,"
said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying
jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework
and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just
think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists
only to prove that women are flipping impossible to please. The exit
is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
Wife Software
Wife 1.0
Finally, after last week's feminist letter to our Technical Support Team, the following has arrived.
"Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
"Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
"Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
"Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
"Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself."
See "Husband Software" to get the full balance
Finally, after last week's feminist letter to our Technical Support Team, the following has arrived.
"Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
"Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
"Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
"Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
"Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself."
See "Husband Software" to get the full balance
Husband Software
"Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?"
Her Helpdesk replied as follows: "First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 which is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly wave files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9."
See "Wife Software" to get the balance
Her Helpdesk replied as follows: "First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 which is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly wave files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9."
See "Wife Software" to get the balance
Hu is the leader of China
Hu - the new leader of China.
George Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleezza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya ask me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser? Yasser Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could have a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yasser! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and sugar. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese
food in the Middle East?
George Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleezza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya ask me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser? Yasser Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could have a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yasser! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and sugar. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese
food in the Middle East?
Headstones
THESE ARE GENUINE HEADSTONES SPOTTED BY PEOPLE.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
GCSE Answers
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds.
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
Funny Things
FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill,a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for
the
time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas
used
up
during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle
and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on
the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry,but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown
his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week
to
do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd
always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
middle
of
our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth
Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made
to
their passengers...
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let
you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that
last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad
news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for
the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street
is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to
a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold
the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into
the doors."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed
on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill,a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for
the
time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas
used
up
during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle
and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on
the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry,but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown
his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week
to
do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd
always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
middle
of
our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth
Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made
to
their passengers...
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let
you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that
last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad
news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for
the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street
is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to
a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold
the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into
the doors."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed
on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
Flight Log
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
pilots
and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way Qantas is the
only major airline that has never had an accident.
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log,
and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane;
the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
pilots
and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way Qantas is the
only major airline that has never had an accident.
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log,
and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane;
the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
Japanese Error Messages ...
A new email is doing the rounds, presenting what are claimed to be
actual Japanese computer error messages.
1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?
10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
12. Having been erased,
The document you're seeking must now be retyped.
13.Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
14. Screen.
Mind.
Both are blank.
actual Japanese computer error messages.
1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?
10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
12. Having been erased,
The document you're seeking must now be retyped.
13.Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
14. Screen.
Mind.
Both are blank.
Christmas Divorce
An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney on Christmas Eve and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas, and paying their own airfares."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas, and paying their own airfares."
Customer Service
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring in the customer care department.
Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently
suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee (now I know why they record these (conversations) :
"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type..."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
from a recording monitoring in the customer care department.
Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently
suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee (now I know why they record these (conversations) :
"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type..."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Learned from Children
For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth
control!
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
"Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom about
house
4
inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with
roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint
on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you
get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
4-year
old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk
on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very
expensive to remove.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like
ovens.
20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth
control!
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
"Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom about
house
4
inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with
roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint
on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you
get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
4-year
old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk
on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very
expensive to remove.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like
ovens.
20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.
Beware of the Dog
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old pooch asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager: "Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
"It certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I put up that sign, people kept tripping over him."
He asked the store manager: "Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
"It certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I put up that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Army Manuals
Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
The Maid in the Hotel - this WILL make you laugh...
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters
to the London Sunday Times:
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S
Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the three hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The six bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the three bars I left today and my instructions from
the management are to leave three soaps daily. I hope this is
satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about
my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my
room this evening, found you had added three little Camays to the shelf
under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two
weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather, so I won't
need those six little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45am and don't get back before 5:30 or 6pm. That's the
reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check in today, since she left another three bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of three bars on the
Bathroom shelf. In just five days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you, Elaine
Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-sized Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room, including my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. I came in
late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me four little
Cashmere Bouquets S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave three bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies
for the inconvenience.
Martin L Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-sized Imperial Leather. Do you
realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-sized
Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-sized Imperial Leather.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
personally returned them - the 24 Camays which had been taken and the
three Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything
about the four Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not
know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the
three daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-sized Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-sized
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today, I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4
and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the Northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
* On the Northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than four have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid
further misunderstandings.
S Berman
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters
to the London Sunday Times:
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S
Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the three hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The six bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the three bars I left today and my instructions from
the management are to leave three soaps daily. I hope this is
satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about
my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my
room this evening, found you had added three little Camays to the shelf
under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two
weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather, so I won't
need those six little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45am and don't get back before 5:30 or 6pm. That's the
reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check in today, since she left another three bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of three bars on the
Bathroom shelf. In just five days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you, Elaine
Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-sized Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room, including my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. I came in
late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me four little
Cashmere Bouquets S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave three bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies
for the inconvenience.
Martin L Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-sized Imperial Leather. Do you
realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-sized
Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-sized Imperial Leather.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
personally returned them - the 24 Camays which had been taken and the
three Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything
about the four Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not
know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the
three daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-sized Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-sized
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today, I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4
and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the Northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
* On the Northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than four have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid
further misunderstandings.
S Berman
Words to Live By
Words to Live By
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look
good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that
can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the
decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see
that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the
same time, because then you don't
have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier than the people
who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't
more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and
all are different colours but they all
have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can
enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look
good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that
can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the
decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see
that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the
same time, because then you don't
have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier than the people
who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't
more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and
all are different colours but they all
have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can
enjoy the scenery on a detour.
The Life of a Mule
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.
Holy Puppy
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking
down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is
advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch
the Bible."
The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and
returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says,
"Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the
right page, and then stops.
Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog,
having him run through his Psalm 23 routine.
Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular'
commands?"
"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down."
The dog lies down.
He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts
both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"
down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is
advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch
the Bible."
The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and
returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says,
"Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the
right page, and then stops.
Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog,
having him run through his Psalm 23 routine.
Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular'
commands?"
"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down."
The dog lies down.
He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts
both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"
If not loved ... a thought?!
People are made to be loved and things are made to be used.
That's why there's so much chaos in the world...
people are being used and things are being loved.
That's why there's so much chaos in the world...
people are being used and things are being loved.
If Noah was alive today....
Noah's Ark in Today's Society...
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"
Marriage in Heaven?
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to admit them to Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St Peter shows up, they ask him.
St Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out."
The couple sit and wait for an answer... for a couple of months. As they wait, they discuss whether IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, they SHOULD actually go ahead with it, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" say the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple.
"Oh, COME ON!!" St Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St Peter shows up, they ask him.
St Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out."
The couple sit and wait for an answer... for a couple of months. As they wait, they discuss whether IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, they SHOULD actually go ahead with it, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" say the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple.
"Oh, COME ON!!" St Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
Places I have been in the world ...
create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide
create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide
Tuesday, 27 March 2007
How many to change a lightbulb?
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterian: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the fried chicken and potato salad.
Episcopalian: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Methodist: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Church of Christ: They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament.
Unitarian: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your bulb for next Sunday's service, during which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterian: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the fried chicken and potato salad.
Episcopalian: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Methodist: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Church of Christ: They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament.
Unitarian: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your bulb for next Sunday's service, during which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Kyle ...
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.
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